It sucks when you can tell something is falling apart and you have absolutely no clue how to fix it. So instead you just sit there and watch everything fall apart and the more it falls the more you hurt. It started off small and has grow into something tragic. *sigh* What I would give to have things go back to how there were before, when we were just happy. All those long talks and late night texting. All down the drain now… I’m lucky to get you to even text me back within half an hour to an hour if I’m lucky. I miss the routine before bed: “Sweet dreams, I love you, & Goodnight sweetie” Then waking in the morning to read the sweet texts that were sent after falling fast asleep. Now I’m lucky to have to not fall asleep on me. Maybe this is me wanting to much. I’m destroying myself over everything and you don’t seem to even care about anything. Whenever we fight, which is pretty damn often anymore, you tell me how your not happy or that you don’t care or you don’t wanna deal with it anymore. That all kills me inside, I’m not allowed to show it though because if I were to cry a single tear it only makes things worse. Maybe we shouldn’t be together. Maybe you should be with Vannessa. At least you always seem happy when you hug or talk to her…. Which of course I tell you how I don’t like it and you just tell me to “get over yourself” That hurt! On so many damn levels! That was just one of the many ways you showed you don’t care as much anymore but that one hurt the worse because it involved her! You must not understand what she did to me. She hurt me in a way I thought she would never hurt me. She was my best friend, the one I trusted with everything! And she threw everything we had in a matter of hours. That tore me apart. & every now and then I happen to have a dream involving her. They leave me extremely upset for various reasons. The other night I had one and I was telling you about it and you seemed to have absolutely no interest or care. When I was finished I wanting to just cry but I turned away to stop myself since I doubt you would’ve done anything but complain. I still am hurt over that dream it hit a soft spot, it hit it hard. Maybe I am just too weak, and worthless. It’s how I feel, a lot. I often think of what difference my life makes and I have come to the conclusion I don’t matter. I only make people’s lives harder. I might as well be dead. I mean then my dad wouldn’t have to worry about paying for thing I need, my mom would have one less person to worry about and miss, my sister wouldn’t have to ‘worry’ about me and complain about not having money or life because of me, his life would be less stressful because he would be able to fully concentrate on school and not have to worry about me or us, and my friends.. ha! we hardly talk I doubt they would notice. I really am coming to the end, I don’t wanna live anymore. I want it to all end… Maybe one day soon it will. In the middle of the night when everyone least expects it. Ha! The funny part is I wonder what people would tell my lifeless corpse. What secrets they would revel or things they wanted to get off there chest but it would all just be to late….. Unfortunately that night won’t come for awhile so in the meantime I shall substitute the dark emptiness that is the end for a similar end, sleep. Thanks for being there Tumblr, for allowing me to let it all go. It feels good to let some of this out.. Anywho, Nighty Night♥
